Out on the French Countryside

One of the main issues that Nikola and I have encountered since the beginning of our relationship has been the question of where we will live. Originally this was more of a non-question as he completely surprised me by not giving a second thought to coming with me to Istanbul. It was an immediate confirmation of the deep passion and trust that we had for each other. Now, as we move away from the theoretical implications of "living together," we find ourselves in the midst of a logistical nightmare.

Being a student in Istanbul it was easy for me to get a visa here. Nikola had a bit more trouble, and his visa was certainly not cheep, but he succeeded. Now our clocks are ticking down. We have valid resident permits until October of next year, and by then we need to have figured out a somewhat more permanent solution. This, logically, involves me getting a visa for Bulgaria, or Nikola getting a visa for the US, both of which are drawn out processes, thanks to the US government. Ultimately there may be some months between when we move out of our place in Turkey and before we can settle anywhere else. Because of this I have been looking into some options for travel.

The problem with travel and working is that anything that fits me does not fit him, and although he can work anywhere, I cannot. It is definitely an issue of fish and bird when it comes to making our careers fit together synergistically. But I have been looking at workaway, wwoofing options anyways, as they offer me a chance to train in certain specific permaculture areas that I want to implement once we have our own place. Some of what I have found seems intriguing but most of it is rather upsetting.

I have always been a firm believer that a person should be free to set their own prices and make their own contracts. If something is too expensive for you, then don't buy it. It is that simple. Except that it isn't. The idea of volunteering on a farm or hotel for free room and board is a great idea, until I find that most of the places now days are not offering stimulating work that allows the worker to learn (such as design concepts, or skills- instead it is unskilled, manual labor) AND requires the person to work 7 hours a day, 6 days a week for room and board. That just seems a little extreme to me. Working for that much time in a position that gives you skills is one thing, but just pumping out physical, mindless labor for almost no return is absurd. And yet, the more people who offer that, the more people can exploit those who want to travel and volunteer. It seems like yet another great idea is fading into history through selfishness and exploitation.

After our vacation to France I thought about possibly doing a summer working at a camp or a hostel there. In theory it is a great idea. In reality, once again, it doesn't really fit my life with my partner.

So many dreams and sensations are surrendered during a marriage... but so many others become achievable. I am considering new paths and new ways of doing things that never crossed my mind before. I never thought that I would be married to a computer guy. I always assumed that any long-term relationship would be with someone working in my field. Now I am starting to see why that is necessary. Most fields have allowance for deviation. Mine, not so much.

A bird and a fish may fall in love, but where will they build their home?

--- Probably not on the French countryside. 

Critical Success Factors

In my Business Management class we are practicing the identification of critical success factors in various markets. It is a fun exercise, to see what defines success and also how that success can be achieved, but of course my introspective self begins to apply it all to my own life. My dreams have definitely matured, and as they become more realistic they have been forced to fit into the dominant hegemony of capitalism: the measurement of success becomes money and things.

Now, I don't like to think of myself as an overly material person. Sure, I do like my "things." I have a slight scarf addiction, and notebooks are something that I don't think I could live without. I have a relatively nice computer (even though it  is starting to give up on me) and I have one of the latest tablets. In just 6 months the boy and I have acquired so much "stuff" that our move is going to be challenging no matter which destination and path we choose. I would love to stake claim as a minimalist, but I don't think that I will ever be able to. Comfort and attachment permeate my being. However, I am still not sold on the capitalistic dream of owning the means of production and basing my success on my material wealth. Therefore I think that it is important to constantly re-evaluate my critical success factors and my definition of success.

An exploration into success using Maslow's hierarchy of needs:

I do, honestly, believe that success is achieved in self-actualization. Specifically I believe that my success is measured by my ability to recognize and maintain my morality, to contribute creatively to a social network, to have and learn from adventures, to be loving and helpful to others, and to develop my spiritual nature. According to Maslow I need to satisfy all of these minor levels in order to achieve those successes.

1. Physiological: These are things that are rather guaranteed in the modern world, and I am not overly concerned for them. One thing that I do not really get enough of is sleep. Also, it is important for me to not just ingest things, but to do so in a conscious, healthy manner, which adds a layer of complexity to what was once thought of as the most basic level of needs. Whereas once the need was provoked by a scarcity of food, it is now provoked by an overabundance of things that claim to be food but are ultimately not contributing to a positive life. That is why I want to have more control over my physiological needs, including my successful life involving having my own garden and actively producing my own food. 
2. Safety: Here is where the control comes in. I have not had a lot of control in my life, and this is where I have often dwelt in the hierarchy. Not having an income, not having a domicile, not having permanent relationships. A big need in this level is family, which to me means those tight relationships that you can really depend on. I feel a great need to really redefine and cultivate a sense of family. I have family like I never believed possible in Nikola. However, the friendships that I have depended on until now are definitely struggling. I need that really close, communal feel in the same hemisphere as me, in the same country in me, and preferably in the same city as me. Secondly, I do not give a lot of importance to money, but I do give importance to property. My physical safety is measured (to me) in owning my own land, and developing that land in such a way to have minimal dependance on the "grid." That means going with alternative energy sources and having an awesomely insulated house hat I can sustain with my family. 
3. Love/belonging: Nikola satisfies a huge chunk of this category, but I also feel the need to develop other very intimate, strong bonds based on emotional intimacy. The distance thing is really starting to ache after three years, and I recognize that I have intimacy issues as far as building new relationships goes... especially in Bulgaria. I am going to have to get over that. So here I see a need to have family friends that I see often and share new experiences and an exchange of ideas with. 
4. Esteem: I feel like my esteem is not hard to meet. There are so many ways for me to achieve a sense of worth and respect. Someday I will have the role of a mother (never thought that would be on my list), but also I want to be an active community leader/member advocating and researching youth rights and issues, providing educational programing and working in the outdoor field. This is not connected to payment for me, and I would be perfectly happy to do this without monetary compensation provided I already have that house and garden thing met :)

Okay, so what does all that mean? What does my life look like if I am to consider myself successful: 

• My family owns our own property, on which we manage a large garden and have a self-sustaining home utilizing alternative energy methods such as solar or wind energy. 
• I am a wife and mother, preferably with two kids. 
• I have a very close knit group of friends within my physical community with whom I interact positively with on a regular basis. 
• I have an extended community both physically close and further away that I interact with less often but still in a meaningful way. 
• I contribute in the field of youth development and community building. 
• I contribute creatively, and maintain creative dialogues (through dance, writing, painting, film, photography etc) with people from within my community. 

That's it. That is success for me. Many, many ways to achieve it. I wonder if I ever will. 

The Naked Head

The other day the boy asked me to shave his head. When was the last time that I picked up a set of clippers? It was to my own head. Before that there were a few vital strokes before my eldest brother marched off into the military, and permanently beyond my understanding. I was terrified. Not now, but back then. I had never experienced someone leaving home. He was the first in our family to go. Looking back I cannot even remember a time when he seemed to be there. I distinctly remember my other brother. Our resources crossed often and there was constant bickering between us. I just can't remember my older brother living with us, even when his room was just across the upstairs landing from mine. That is my brother, a ghost, the eternally absent figure. I have no proof that he hasn't changed, and yet isn't that proof enough? Still, even though he wasn't actually there, I was terrified to see him go. I remember the sound of the clippers when we plugged them in, and how important I felt as I took the first stroke from his hair. The lessons I learned that night were deep and passed on to every generation. I learned about submission and pride. There is a proper way to submit. Submission needs to be accompanied by an act of defiance. There is always a line. Always burn something so that they can't take it. Always submit first to yourself. Surrender. Take the spoils, and let your captor have the leftovers. It was a stupid lesson. Surrender and pride. It always is.

But the other day there was no surrender and no pride. There was a certain level of trust and the giggles that accompany it. I was still nervous, but the thrill that I got from removing his head was much more fulfilling than the terrible thrill that I had on that night so many years ago. The buzzing of the clippers was intoxicating. I liked the feel of them in my hand, despite their weak current. I remembered the way it felt, for so many years, to trim up the sides of my head. I loved having my mohawk. In san francisco there was no political or social statement surrounding it. It was not about being different or fitting in. People barely noticed the geen wired pigtails. No, it was about loving my body and listening to how it wanted to be represented, and I missed it. By the time I had finished shaving the boy's head I had made a decision. My hair had to go.

After we finished his hair there was a moment of pinning, referencing pictures on the internet and a reorganization of the pins. Then there was a deep breath and staring into the mirror as the man that I love took away a small patch of my hair. Comparatively it wasn't much, just the tiniest hint at freedom. Freedom. Really, that is what it feels like. The freedom of wind on my scalp. The freedom on his fingers petting the tiniest patches of fur. The freedom to look how I want. Yes- what was once pride and surrender has transformed magically into a treatise on freedom. And, how free have I found myself over the years? Through the slavery of state and society I have burned a slight hole, burrowed myself in, and can safely say- I have tasted freedom. 

Family is Family

I am not particularly close to my blood relatives. The distance has become so ingrained and so natural that I was actually, honestly suprised when my parents very easily said that they would fly across the world in order to attend my wedding. My father hates to fly. I have not forgotten that about him, and my mother has never left the country except for quick border hops into mexico and canada back when they did not count as actual excursions from the United States. I had an expectation that they would think about it for awhile and ultimately the trip would be too much for them, and they would just wait for me to come home in a year or so in order to meet my fiancee. They suprised me though. Within a week they had applied for passports, bought airline tickets, and started a packing list. They searched through my left-behind luggage that has been carelessly stored with them for years to find my grandmother's wedding ring and my prom dress. They have offered to help in any way that they can, including paying for hotels for me and my fiancee when needed. It has been an overwhelming show of love and support, and I have been truly touched.
My familial identity has never been an easy one. From a very young age I was the black sheep of the family. My brothers were more outgoing, and more like my parents. I was this far-off dreamer that, really, very few people could reach. I was a stubborn child, not in any loud or rebellious way, but in a way that made it difficult to form those connections that I see my friends valuing now. When I was 18 I moved out, and I more or less never looked back. I like to think that my parents are proud of me. I like to think that they talk about their daughter who is out travelling the world and serving in Peace Corps, and getting her degrees, and living life out on her own. But even when I hear them say that at least when I don't call they know they did something right, because I don't need them, I hear a twinge of hurt and longing in their voice... wishing that their little girl was still 12 and under their roof, and needing them.
Something happened last night in my family that is altogether tragic. I won't go into details except to say that my family has known its fair share of tragedy and bad luck, and this is among the milestones. It made me realize that my parents are really all right. They are filled with love and compassion, which are some of the more important traits in life.
This jolt in my life shook me into the reality that I am really starting a family with Nikola. It makes me wonder how most families start. Are they intentional? Are they aware? Are they fueled by love or some sort of need? For a moment I skipped a breath and wondered if I am doing the right thing. It is so hard to have a positive familial experience in the world. But then he held me, and kissed me, and I realized that I was just being silly. We are very much in love, and two very loving, considerate, caring people. We are both excited to start a family (the family of the two of us, but yes, there will be little ones added in the future.) and I don't think I need to concern myself with disaster. He is an amazing person and I refuse to question my own self based on my past. The person I am now is altogether ready for these deep, rich, lifelong connections.