Yoga, reloaded

We went to yoga again tonight. Honestly, I didn't expect yoga in a suburban chitalishte to be this good, but it is. By this good, I mean my body glistening with perspiration but not sweat, poses challenging mean but not beyond my reach, almost having to drop out but just making it, getting giddy laughter that I have to swallow because my body feels loose. I mean my mind floating, not away, but just suspended in my body, aware of my body. I mean flow. I mean really, really good.

The teacher is fantastic. She is very hands on, which helps, and her corrections feel solid and... well, more correct. She talks us through most of the class, rather than showing, which I think helps with my concentration. She is strict and firm in what she asks of us but also warm and gentle. It is a great balance. Today we were doing a candle series and she had me easing into poses that I didn't know I could do. I came out of that series absolutely buzzing. She also held Peatuk at the end of class so Nikola could do the relaxation with the rest of us. Total bonus points for appreciating a baby in the class instead of rejecting us because of him!

The students are awesome, too. Everyone seems very into the practice, which helps me concentrate and try more than I would if people were not interested. Everyone has been very accepting of us and friendly, which is nice when we are new in such a small class. (6 people).

Honestly, I have been selling myself short ever since giving birth. I thought that I would feel strong and confidant, but instead I have felt very weak and helpless. I feel heavy and slow. Sure, I used to do dance, yoga, running, and cycling on a daily basis, but deep down, a part of me thought that chapter in my life was over. I was settling into this version of relaxed, sloppy motherhood that felt comfortable and yet I actually was starting to hate myself for it. I recognized that feeling when I got a correction during class and my body lengthened and stretched and felt used. Used in the good way.

I have always felt comfortable in my body. I have always lived in the moment. I thought that pregnancy, birth,and parenting would be an awesome physical experience for me. Easy. While it has been awesome in so many ways, physically has not been one of them. Through my entire pregnancy I struggled to feel like myself. Now, almost 6 months after giving birth I am still wallowing in this limbo where I cannot recognize how I feel. I feel very disconnected from my body, and for a predominantly kinesthetic person, that is a bit upsetting.

The class wasn't a miracle, of course. What it was, was a flash. A glimpse. A possibility. That one day I can reconnect with the physical person that I use to recognize. One day, I will find flow and energy again. One day, I may even dance.