Hello, flow.

The other day I started my period again. The timing could not have been more perfect. The night before, I was thinking about how glorious it was to not have to deal with my monthly flow. No cramps. No crying in bed while my sweet but flabbergasted husband brings me coffee and painkillers. No rinsing out bloody cups or dealing with paper products that give me the same environmental uneasiness as the diaper debate. It has been great, and I wondered if it might last until I stop breastfeeding, as is common among many on-demand, comfort-suckling mommas.

Of course, the next morning I  woke up with blood-stained sheets. Oh well, 14 months has been a good amount of freedom.

The next section is going to get a bit gory, so you might want to skip it if female functions make you squirm.

Ever since I started my period, I have had short but intense monthly flows. I use the term 'monthly' loosely here. I have never been regular and can have up to 60 days between periods without wondering where it is. In fact, given my irregular periods, I was surprised at how quickly Nikola and I got pregnant. I thought I would have a hell of a time. I also thought the painful cramping I have endured for many years would help me endure the pain of childbirth. Apparently I know nothing about my own body, though.

Now that my flow has returned, it is nothing like it used to be. Before, I bled for a single day and rarely more than an ounce. Now, I am halfway through my fourth day and loosing plenty of blood. Before, it hurt like the dickens. Now, I haven't had any more cramping than the occasional tightening of my uterus that I occasionally get while breastfeeding. I have also lost a kilogram that I have apparently still been holding in water weight since the birth. I feel fantastic. I feel like I am in my body for the first time since I got pregnant. I no longer feel like an absurd balloon, even though I am still 9kg heavier than I was 15 months ago. I can deal with the mess and extended period if it means I am functional and no longer hate being a woman once a month!

The less graphic thoughts...

Nikola and I are pretty much sure that we want to have a second child. Well, we were before I gave birth. Then, I was like, 'Hell no, never again.' Then Peatuk started growing and we fell in love with him and now, honestly, he is just so perfect that I can't imagine adding a second baby to the mix. Is our family complete?

Still, we joked about having another baby over the past few months, and it was funny because I knew it couldn't happen. Now, I am suddenly back in service, and we can, maybe should, consider the question seriously. It suddenly changes everything... The way I consider our finances, the way I think about Peatuk, and the way I feel about sex. Whoever thought that a little bit of blood could change so much?

Gynecologists suggest 3-4 years between babies. Child psychologists suggest either less than two years or more than five. My body suggests adopting. My lack of patience towards government processes suggests I use my own body. Nikola is down for whatever, whenever. Peatuk thinks he is an adult already, and babies tend to freak him out. And me? I have no idea what I want.

5 Months Old and Growing Strong

I think this trip to Sofia just gave Peatuk a cognitive burst. I look at him and he suddenly seems so mature.

Well, mature for a 5 month old.

In the past week, his eyes have changed. They settle on objects for a longer period of time and he is lost in quiet contemplation more often than he was before. He has also expanded his "vocabulary," which is now borderline dangerous because it is so adorable.

Last month, he discovered that he could yell. I am not talking about crying when he is upset, but being loud simply for the amusement of it. He liked to let loose a string of throaty vowels loud enough to wake the neighbors, every night around ten o'clock. Now that he is secure in his ability to be loud, he is trying out various other tones. Occasionally he will utter a breathy coo from his crib, and he loves to make soft conversations when he is on the changing table. A-DOR-A-BULL!!!!

His laughter has solidified into that classically cherub-like baby laughter. It is still strangely not what I expected, but it is wonderful to listen to. He loves to be tickled, chewed on, and lifted in the air, which he rewards with his laughter.

Physically, he seems to have mastered rolling over, although he no longer has any desire to roll onto his back. He is also very frustrated to not be able to walk or crawl yet. A month ago I could leave him on his belly on the floor for half an hour and he would play happily. Now, he spends that time very obviously trying to crawl, spinning in circles on his belly instead, and ultimately getting very frustrated.

He is still very interested in what mommy and daddy eat. We have gotten into the habit of giving him his empty spoon to chew on while we eat. But breastfeeding is getting more difficult as he is very easily distracted. Last night, Nikola was reading us a bedtime story while he had his evening snack and Peatuk spent a good ten minutes taking a single sip and then turning his head to listen to daddy. I am afraid that is only going to be cute once.

He has gotten a lot more social. Now he is not only interested in being held, but also being talked to and played with.

He is SUCH an awesome little monster!

PS: If you were following Peatuk's obsession album, it got rather full, so I started a new one. You can find it here: 

Peatuk From 5 Months

Things We Learned in Sofia (And Unrelated Pictures)

Our little family headed to Sofia this weekend. Nikola was supposed to play baseball, but the games were canceled so we had three days to putz around together. We took the night train on Friday night, and our only mandatory engagement all weekend was to go to the US Embassy on Monday to apply for Peatuk's certificate of birth abroad. It was a very stimulating three days. Here are some things I learned...

1. When traveling across Bulgaria by train, reserving a berth in a sleeping car is a good idea. When you can rent out the whole sleeping car with friends it is a bit more fun. However, when you rent out the sleeping car as a family, it becomes absolute heaven. Peatuk was a champ on the train, especially on the way home. As long as he was cuddled next to me he didn't mind the noise and I think he enjoyed the rocking movement. It was great to have a private place to change and feed him. 
   
2. Three days of "vacation" with a five-month-old feels like a month. I was refreshed and stimulated way more than I usually am by a trip to Sofia, but by the last day I was also exhausted and ready to be home. All three of us spent the majority of yesterday napping, went to bed early last night, and slept in late this morning. I am surprised that Peatuk didn't get fussy until Monday evening. 
   
3. You can't take pictures at the U.S. embassy. I guess I knew that, but I expected to be able to take a picture of Peatuk in front of it. You know, first trip to the United States for him and all. But, no luck. He wasn't overly impressed by the embassy anyway, but he sure liked the consular officer. 
   
4. We had to get a little creative with bathing, and Peatuk loved it. Most mornings and evenings we just tossed him in the sink- a luxury reserved for the summer time, I am sure. On Saturday afternoon he took a soak in the tub with mommy- his first! And he loved it. I definitely want a bathtub in our next home, even though it will be too late for Peatuk to enjoy as a baby. 
   
5. Doing baby-led parenting really works for our family. Peatuk is not used to having a routine. He sleeps when he is tired, eats when he is hungry, and plays when he is playful. Luckily, with both of us at home full time, we can afford to do that. It makes traveling much easier than it could have been. He slept anywhere, including on the bus, train, tram, and metro. He also ate in all of those places. He only got cranky twice. He didn't mind late nights or early mornings. It was great. 
   
6. I was afraid that hanging out with couples who didn't have kids would be weird. Luckily, Peatuk was a complete charmer and it went really well both times we hung out with non-kid-couples. I relearned the term "DINK," and although I am slightly jealous of that freedom, I wouldn't give up our family for it! 
   
7. You really don't have to do anything special to entertain a 5 month old. Part of me wanted to go on the pedal boats, and part of me wanted to go to the zoo. Peatuk was more amused by people watching and riding public transportation. 
   
8. Peatuk is not really sure what to think about other babies. Right now I think he thinks he is the only baby in the world. We ran into this little girl at the photo shop. She is three days younger than he is. She was chatting with him, trying to get him to respond, but he was just like, "What IS that tiny human!?!" (I think he thinks he is just as big as mommy and daddy). 
   
9. Cloth diapering while traveling was a total success. I thought it would be much more difficult than it was, but because we had access to a washing machine it was almost as easy as it is at home. I will say that I am grateful for his rare bowel movements. He waited until we were home to poop! (Three days is about his average, so the trip was timed perfectly). Nikola says that, "Home is where you feel comfortable pooping." I guess Peatuk agrees. 
   
10. I try to be considerate of others when breastfeeding in public, but this weekend I realized how selfish it is to demand that women breastfeed at home. My breasts are not sexual, it is other people who view them as sexual... and they need to get over it. I am done apologizing for my son being hungry and me being an active member of the world instead of shaming the early years of motherhood. That being said... I LOVE my woven wrap. I used a new carry (Front Cross Carry) in which I can just lower Peatuk, attach him to the breast, and he can comfortably and discreetly eat while I am walking around!!! 
    
11. Traveling with Nikola is great, still. I read several blogs in which all of the caretaking falls on the mother when traveling. One guy, while saying how easy camping was, even said, "Just bring your breastfeeding wife, and the food is all packed." Yeah, well, changing diapers, putting a baby to sleep, and feeding him while wandering a huge city and navigating public transport is anything but easy. Having Nikola willing to go halfsies made it all fun instead of an unbearable chore. 
    
12. Babies are not like dogs. Peatuk has freaked out when held by two people. One of which was one of our hosts this weekend. Most people Peatuk is shy or curious about, but sometimes, like most babies, he just screams and cries when a new person holds him. Part of me wonders if he knows something I don't, and I will admit I am more cautious around people he doesn't like. However, I think it is important to teach babies that it is okay to be nervous around people, and even to not like them, but that does not make them bad people. 
    

Overall, what I think we learned this weekend is that travel is not off the table until Peatuk is older. In fact, it is probably much easier while he is still being breastfed and can't walk! Preparing for this trip I searched the internet for, "Fun things to do with a baby while traveling." All I got were lists and advice for traveling with a baby that made it sound like it was really difficult and no fun at all. As if traveling is, "possible, but not advisable." Poppycock. Our son loves it. We love it. Once he gets a passport... we are heading to... wherever. 

Utopian City

My perfect city is one without cars. I somehow got this idea in my head several years ago, and it just wont go away. I dream of smaller cities, where people know their neighbors. I think of self-sufficient neighborhoods that each contain a few small markets and coffee shops. Of course, all of the houses and apartments have luscious gardens filled with many edibles.  In my city public transportation runs regularly and is neither crowded nor expensive. It is a pleasant way to get to work and people spend the ride chatting with their neighbors rather than staring silently ahead.

This perfect city has many healthy inhabitants that walk or ride their bicycles everywhere. It has a green bike system that allows people to leave a bike anywhere and pick up a bike that is not in use. On the outskirts of the city are several car parks where people can leave their personal vehicles. In order to be allowed in the city, vehicles need to be permitted as delivery vehicles, and drivers can only use them during work hours.

It is a slower city. It is a smaller city. People there are not focused on getting to their destination quickly, but in enjoying the journey. It is filled with parks that have lovely paths to walk on. Streets are few, and rather small.

When an awesome person dies too soon due to a vehicular accident, I sigh and long for my perfect little car-free haven. I know it will never happen. People would protest if their cars were taken away. They have a "right," to drive. They would say they "need," their car to get to work or for their social life. In many ways they would be right. The modern world is designed around everyone having a car. Finally, they would say they are sorry for my loss, but cars don't kill people, it is irresponsible drivers, and not everyone should be punished for that. It's true, but I don't care. I would prefer the slow, car-free city.

To all of those who have vehicles in their lives, I implore you:

• Don't drive intoxicated. 
• Don't drive when you are tired. 
• Don't drive in bad weather. 
• Don't text while driving. 
• Don't talk on the phone while driving. 
• Don't play with the radio, gps, or other technology while driving. 
• Remain alert while driving. 
• Respect the vehicle for the large machine it is, and remain aware of the immense damage that it can do in mere seconds. 
• Try to avoid driver's entitlement and road rage. 

Dream a Little Dream

Sometimes I feel most like myself in my dreams. Strange, because in these dreams I am rarely myself.

The other night I dreamt of four different couples. I flitted in and out of all of their bodies. Male, female, all with a different set of desires and reactions. They went about their mundane, daily life and I felt the sun on their shoulders or the way their bodies folded as they lay on a couch. They were being slowly drawn together. In the evening the four couples went to an extravagant ball. I felt their hands clasped in hands, around wasits and shoulders, as they swirled around and around.

The day felt like silk. Not the shiny, satiny silk, but the dull, super soft stuff that feels a bit like marshmellows when you touch it. Too soft for its strength, the juxtoposition makes me shudder like nails on a chalkboard and yet I cannot release it. The ball felt like velvet. Soft. Warm. Inviting. Complete.

I dream in motion. Sometimes I dream in e-motion. Electronic impulses that jump from nerve to nerve. I feel the way they rush up to the precipice, then jump, or fall, or cling until they are shaken off. I feel them swirling in the abyss. Floating. Fast and slow, all at once. Speed is nothing when there is no end.

True, I feel it during the day, too. My tongue running up behind my teeth is a journey. But it is in my dreams that I have a complete surrender to the motion of life. It is then that I feel like I have come into my own, and I am whole.

I chose right...

It's my husband's first father's day! They don't actually celebrate father's day in Bulgaria, but then, I have never seen a Bulgarian father as involved and in love with his son as my husband is.

There are sometimes when I wonder if perhaps Nikola isn't a bit too young for me. Maybe we should have waited for him to experience some more, "real world, life before settling down to start a family. But then I see him with Peatuk, and I know that I am absolutely unfounded in my wonderings.

So, here are 10 reasons Nikola is the best father around:

1. He was very involved with my pregnancy. Perhaps this makes him the best husband, but I think it also contributes to his dad-ness. He held me and cried when I got a positive pregnancy test. He refrained from drinking alcohol almost my entire pregnancy. He took me to every prenatal appointment and helped me translate all of my concerns to the midwife. He grabbed my toe and looked at me with teary eyes the first time we heard Peatuk's heartbeat. Like Ross to Rachel, he helped me find our son when I lost him on the sonogram printout. He made me take my pre-natal vitamin every night, even though I rolled my eyes at him in protest. 
2. He was there every minute of the birth. It is very uncommon for Bulgarian men to attend the birth of their children. Nikola checked into the hospital with me, and did not leave my bedside until Peatuk was born and we were both sure he was safe. Then, he only left because there was no where for him to sit while I slept in the delivery room. 
3. The first time he held Peatuk he looked like a natural. I was afraid to break him, but Nikola was just happy to have him in his arms. 
4. When Peatuk was taken away from us at the hospital to be put on fluids, Nikola was the one to constantly pester the nurses about how he was, and when we could have him back in our room. 
5. He spent countless nights bottle feeding Peatuk my expressed milk while I recovered from birth. When Peatuk could not learn how to suckle at the breast, Nikola went online and found some techniques to teach him how. He spent hours sitting next to me, helping his son learn how to eat, until Peatuk learned a perfectly soft but efficient latch. (Mother and son are grateful for that one.) 
6. Whenever Nikola picks up Peatuk, or plays with him, Peatuk laughs and smiles in a way that he doesn't for anyone else. Our baby ADORES him, and I like to believe our baby has good taste in people. 
7. He goes to check-ups with our little guy, and when Peatuk has to get injections, he is the one comforting the little guy because I can't stand to watch. 
8. He enjoys carrying Peatuk in the mei-tei. The two are adorable friends exploring the world together. Nikola does agood job of keeping him engaged while they go for walks. 
9. Nikola has an abundance of patience. Whether it is rocking Peatuk to sleep, or dealing with random fussiness, Nikola always approaches our baby with kindness and excitement. 
10. He isn't afraid to tell his son how much he loves him. 

So, yeah, Nikola's socks might end up on the floor, and he double checks with me almost every time he has to put Peatuk in a new outfit, but overall, he is one of the most responsible, kind, giving, loving father's I know. There is no one else I would choose over him to have a child with, and I can't wait to watch our son grow together. 

Stillness

Peatuk has gotten into babbling lately. He has also gotten into 'singing,' which, unfortunately, sounds a lot like crying. The only difference is that he smiles at the end, which somehow makes forty seconds of, "Mommy, I think I have to pee," singing quite adorable. It's little things like this that make my life, 'perfect' right now.

But let's think about perfection. Perfection implies some sort of satisfaction. It implies there is nothing left to do. I was socialized as a thirsty American too well to ever allow myself to not want any more. So, even when I am happy, I construct more needs. We need to fully furnish our house. We need to purchase a house. We need a car. We need. We need. We need. Seriously, I no sooner finished a post about how perfect my life is with Nikola and Peatuk than I created a list of all of the things we need to buy in the next year.

I call bullshit on myself.

The truth is, when I sink into the stillness of satisfaction, it doesn't feel like perfection. The bliss of having is short lived. Instead, anxiety starts to swell up. It bubbles. Like carbonation beneath the skin. I feel like a shark that stopped moving: slowly suffocating. The moment I no longer have a goal I feel lost. I feel like I am wasting time. The need to desire, to crave, builds up within me, and more often than not I end up running away from that sensation as quickly as possible. I fill my desire with cheap things that I don't really need. I am that uncomfortable with satisfaction. Or I am not really satisfied.

Either way, I think I need to find a way to pull myself out of this consumer mindset I have began to use as a crutch, and allow myself to really settle into stillness. I need to let myself really feel the anxiety. I need to take the time to honestly reflect. Maybe I will embrace my satisfaction. Maybe I will find out what the real hole I am trying to fill is. Maybe I will find it all to be ridiculous and give up. All I know, is that it needs to be done.