Life is Good

Occasionally, circumstances conspire to make me appreciate life just a little more. Recently, there have been a few deaths among my family and acquaintances. In the past, death has caused me to feel a range of emotions, but only recently has it made me feel fear. I suppose that I have never been so entwined with anyone as I am with Nikola and Peatuk, and the very thought that something could separate us as permanently as death is chilling. However, it makes me appreciate our lives for what they are now.

Yesterday, the weather was beautiful. Peatuk and I went to a park with our friends to play on the swings and slide. He loves the swings. He is a little freaked out by the slide, so he decided to just sit at the top and watch his friend go by. I am realizing the spring is creeping up, and I cannot wait for Peatuk to start walking, so we can spend many days in the playgrounds. Long walks, bike rides.... I see the potential for so much more mobility in our future.

As Peatuk grows, he is developing such as awesome personality. He is sweet. He loves to make people laugh. He is cautious of new things and occasionally cautious of new people. He is always curious though, and his curiosity wins out over his cautiousness. He still hates to sleep and basically goes-goes-goes until he is physically unable to continue. He is very social. He prefers people to toys, but he is getting curious about how the world works. Basically, he is awesome, and it is such a pleasure to be his mother.

The business is growing. Our designer is starting off great, learning a lot, and seems very motivated. Our junior developer also has quite a bit of motivation and talent. This month has been hard, because Nikola is working 12 hours a day, 6 days a week in order to pull in money while completing training. I also have been supporting the business with income from my writing. We hope that it will begin to pay off soon, but we know that it will be at least a year of really hard work until it is potentially stable. Still, there is so much possibility, and Nikola's clients seem very happy.

I love our apartment. We have all of the furniture that we wanted to buy for it, and it is very comfortable. I will be sad to leave it someday, but I will also be looking forward to owning our own home and having a garden sometime in the next couple of years. Tomatoes. That is my goal- 52 jars of beautiful sunshine-tomatoes. Then, maybe, bees, but we'll see about that.

We will be interviewing a potential babysitter sometime this weekend. Then, I will have a few hours to myself each week. I am thinking: running, cycling, and yoga. I am also thinking I might pick up the pen again and finally finish the book I have been working on. Unfortunately, the longer I live in Bulgaria, the less enthusiastic I become about my writing. I wonder if it from a lack of immersion in English or if it will return to me once I can dedicate some time to the craft. Ohhh... speaking of craft, I may actually get to finish some crochet projects. I think I would like to try my first sweater next fall, so I want to get a few smaller projects under my belt.

In other words- life is normal, and very, very good. 

When Birthday Has A Whole New Meaning

Peatuk is currently in bed, taking his usual after-breakfast nap. He is so sweet when he sleeps. Lately he is on his back with his arms flung up by his ears and his lips making that little quivering hint of suckling occasionally.

We woke him up with "Happy Birthday," and "Честит рожден ден." Of course, he didn't really understand it all, but he seemed happy and excited. He liked the poem that his father recited for him to grow up big and tall. Other than that, it was life as normal.

It is hard to believe that an entire year has passed since the little bug was born. He was so tiny a year ago, and even though he could do pretty much nothing, he was the coolest person in the world. But now. Now! He has learned to laugh and to inspire others to laugh. Seriously- at one year old he has decided it is his mission to create laughter. How can I not love him?

He is almost walking. He is far away from talking, but he loves to babble. He is curious. He is joyful. He is honesty wrapped in baby fresh skin. He is amazing.

I want to take this day- blustery with just a hint of snowflakes- to celebrate my little person. However, there is another part of the whole birthday that, as a mother, is still fresh in my mind.

I found birth to be somewhat traumatic for me. I try not to label it as trauma, because I want to have a second child some day and with that label I can never let the amazing human mind work to forget the pain and intensity of birth. However, yesterday and today I can't help but think about the exhaustion and desperation I felt after nearly an hour of active pushing. After throwing up twice. How, just moments before he was born, I was laying there, ready to surrender, sure I could not finish the act of giving birth. How I looked at Nikola, ready to say I was done. I have never felt as much shame and sadness as that moment, just before it was over, as when I thought there was nothing that could make me keep going. And there wasn't. The final push was given externally- the full weight of the doctor on my stomach.

It isn't guilt that I feel about his birth. It is something else altogether. But remembering back to that day I feel scared and weak. I do not feel empowered or any of this, "miracle of birth," that I am supposed to feel.

Thankfully, the love I feel for him is much stronger than the anxiety I feel over that moment. The panic comes, but I have him to hold and play with and it goes again. In years, I will learn to forget it, and this day will be only about this amazing little being that is going to love the world with such whirlwind passion. 

Yet Another Cloth Diapering Blog

The internet is filled with blogs about cloth diapering. What works. What doesn't. Which brands are best. How to wash. How to strip. How to DIY. It is all out there. I don't really have anything new to add to the conversation surrounding cloth diapering, but I wanted to share an update on how cloth diapering went for our first year in case any of my friends are on the fence about it.

My Current Stash: On the left are my dry wipes, wet wipes (in the container) and a wool changing pad I crocheted. In the center are my cloth diapers. In the right is Peatuk's potty. Above is his diaper bag and one of his used wraps (they air out and are reuse 2-3 times before washing). 

Phase 1: Wraps and Muslin Diapers 

I started cloth diapering pretty much as soon as Peatuk was born. Before he was born, my mother-in-law bought the traditional Bulgarian diapering kit- 10 meters of cotton for swaddling and 20 meters of muslin for diapers. I crocheted and sewed a few wool diaper covers, and that was what we started with.

The first month or so, things went okay with cloth diapering. Babies that young poop an absurd amount, like 6-8 times a day. So that meant a lot of diaper changes. Sometimes we would use the wool wraps, but often, we would just have him in the muslin and wrapped cocoon style in the cotton and when he got wet, change the whole set up. We probably went through as many sets of clothes as we did diapers each day, which is kinda rough.

I would have given up if I was doing it all on my own. Thankfully, at the time, we were living with my mother-in-law and she jumped in with tips on how to fold the diapers correctly and took over the washing and ironing of the diapers for me. It is a lot of ironing, and although it is not fully necessary if you are drying the diapers in the sun, they fit better next to the baby if you iron them into neat folds.

Towards the end of this period, Nikola's sister gave us the gift of two PUL wraps. They worked SO much better over the diapers than the wool covers, and that meant less changing Peatuk's full outfit, which was a great thing.

One of my wool covers. He was swimming in it, but it worked. 

Phase 2: FuzziBunz and Other Pocket Diapers 

My first pocket diaper was a gift from peleni.bg. It was a one-size little lamb pocket diaper, and I still happily use it. After that, I bought 12 fuzzibunz, 1 totsbots, 2 rumparoos, 2 charlie banana, and one "chinese cheapy" diaper. They are all one size pocket diapers and they all have their strengths and weaknesses.

I bought them all second hand, as we didn't have the money for new diapers, but I found that a lot of them had only been used a couple of times. It seems like a lot of people try cloth diapers and then give up. I did get a few fuzzibunz that went through a whole child from birth to potty training, and I cannot even tell which ones they are in my stash now, so they are holding up well.

Unfortunately, about three months after I got them, the Charlie Bananas started leaking through the PUL. I couldn't figure out the problem and I finally had to get rid of them. The totsbots leaked a bit too, but I washed it on 60 degrees and it started holding well again.

I love pocket diapers because they are cheaper than all-in-ones and they are fast drying. My fuzzibunz take about one hour to dry in the winter, less in the summer. Stuffing the inserts can be tedious at times, but I find them worth it.

The Charlie Bananas made great hats, and I loved how soft they were, but the fuzzibunz did better as actual diapers. 

Phase 3: Wraps and Cloth Inserts 

When Peatuk was about 7 months, he started urinating in greater quantities, and so I tried bamboo fitted diapers with my PUL wraps over them. They soak up an amazing amount of urine, but I do not like the shape they dry in and it takes them all day to dry. Although I love natural fabrics, I will always recommend sticking with microfiber for diapers unless you are using a dryer for your inserts.

However, since I pulled out the wraps again, I decided to try the cloth diapers I had sewn from old t-shirts. They work very well in the wraps with a thin piece of fleece between Peatuk and the diaper, and I still have about 6 of them in my rotation. Of course, I favor my fuzzibunz, but I find that these work well in a pinch.

You can see the bright green PUL wrap sticking out. Now that it fits him better, we use it a lot more often. However, it made flats a whole lot easier in the beginning. I would definitely recommend a few wraps. 

Traveling and Disposables  

When we are around town, we generally stick to cloth diapers. Since I have doubled up the soakers in each diaper, Peatuk can wear one diaper for about 4 hours without needing a change, and we are rarely out much longer than that. I keep a diaper, the wet bag, and some dry wipes in my purse, just in case.

When we are traveling for longer periods of time, we generally buy a bag of disposables. I will admit that every time we buy disposables, it is difficult to get back into the rhythm of cloth. Cloth requires extra time buttoning and more time washing and it is ultimately easier. However, when the disposables run out, our finances always steer me back to cloth.

Peatuk's favorite diaper is no diaper. 

Washing 

I use the Rocking Green diaper detergent and occasionally a sanitizer from mio fresh. I use 2-3 tablespoons of detergent an I rinse, wash, rinse, all in cold water. This worked well until this month (11 months old).

However, lately the diapers have been holding a stink, so I am switching it up. I am going to start using a hot wash and keeping the dirty diapers in a wet bin as opposed to the dry bucket I usually keep them in.

Wipes

Recently, I started making my own wet wipes because Peatuk goes through a ton and we always seem to run out. I use a plastic container and put 7 drops of lavender essential oil and 5 drops of vetiver. I mix the two with a teaspoon of olive oil and then fill the container halfway with room temperature water. Then, I put in old scraps of t-shirt that I have cut into appropriate sized squares. Some of them are doubled up and sewn, from when I had time for such things (pre-birth) but although they look better they don't work any better.

The fabric soaks up the water and I turn them over. I try not to make more than 10-12 at a time, because they can get mildewy if they stay wet for too long. They usually last me 1-2 days and then I make up another batch.

That's my experience with cloth diapers. It has been very economical and not nearly as difficult as I expected it to be. Of course, there are hard days and a bit more trouble shooting than is necessary for disposables.

Strolling

I took Peatuk out in his stroller today. The last time we used the stroller was before we moved to Gabrovo, so it has been at least two months.

Generally, Nikola and I only use the stroller when we are together and have a lot of random things to do. This was because it can be difficult to get on and off the buses in Varna, it can be a little unwieldy in general, an Peatuk usually only lasts a little while in it before he starts crying.

Well, the little bug is getting heavier each day, and he has a huge desire to look at the world around him. He likes riding in the grocery carts at supermarkets, so I decided to try him in the stroller again.

It was like he was a different kid altogether. Before, whenever we put him in the stroller we had to distract him with toys and cooing until we got him bucked and moving. Today, I plopped him in the stroller and he sat, perfectly content, while I arranged things for five minutes. He babbled occasionally, but spent a full hour in the stroller, going to two grocery stores, without crying.

Unfortunately, I am still not a fan of the stroller for many reasons:

1. It can be difficult to manipulate- up stairs, curbs, muddy sections of paths and tight corners in grocery stores. After baby wearing for so long, I miss the freedom of going wherever I feel like without wondering if I will fit. 
2. It gets muddy. I then track that mud inside stores, my apartment building, and my home. 
3. It makes grocery shopping awkward. I have no place to put groceries, and I can't leave the stroller at the entrance to the store to take a cart instead. Putting the groceries underneath him requires a lot of stooping that is just annoying. 
4. I felt lonely. 

I think number four was the worst, and why I am hesitant to try the stroller. While Peatuk seemed perfectly happy riding along in it, I found that I missed his closeness. I am used to being able to kiss his head while we walk. I whisper in his ear. He falls asleep against my chest. It already feels like he is growing up so fast, I am not sure if I am ready to give that closeness up quite yet. 

The Boy In My Locker

Remember in high school when you used to keep  picture of your significant other in your locker? I kept this picture of Ernest Hemingway:

Perhaps I knew I would never have a boyfriend in high school. (Actually, I did, the last month of my senior year, but by then my schedule consisted of only band classes and I had no reason to use my locker up in the main building.) Perhaps I was just copying my friend's obsession with Dan Rather, in my own way.

I used to say that I was obsessed with Hemingway, but it isn't true. I knew nothing about Hemingway. People said that he was nothing more than a drunk misogynist, and I just shrugged. I wasn't offended. I never defended the man whose character they attacked. For all I knew, they were right. But, honestly, I knew very little about the man.

I never read a biography about Hemingway. I didn't care who he married or slept with. I cared about what he wrote.

Now, let someone say that his writing is dry, meandering, and without point and I will bristle. They are common critiques, but at least then we have something to argue about. You want to talk about how much he drank? Well, it seems pointless to me.

I probably should have kept this in my locker instead:

It was my true obsession, and my introduction to his many other writings which were on par, but never spoke to me quite as loudly as this book. 

Many people will argue that you need context to truly appreciate literature. You need to know the time that it is set in. You need to know the pressures that were exerted on the man or woman who wrote it. They have a point. I never liked modern stream of consciousness literature until I understood it in its historical context. Now, Joyce and Woolf are among my favorites.  I will also say that I must like some of the context of the lost generation, because I do favor Fitzgerald as well as Hemingway. 

But it isn't his themes. It isn't the context. It is the way a single sentence of his just washes over me. I feel touched. Physically touched, every time I read one of his works. There are points when I grow short of breath. There are times when I forget time and that I am reading. It is that much of a devouring experience. 

I've been thinking about high school lately. Crushes. First loves. Learning to drive. And this. 

Over the years, many of my passions have died. Love does. Obsession does. It comes and goes in waves and then, some day it is just a memory of the intensity of a moment that once was. However, it is wonderful and decadent to resurrect it in my memory occasionally. With a chicken sandwich and a cold beer on a hot summer day... I am back there. The crazy girl with Hemingway in her locker. 

Yay to the One-Drawer Wardrobe!

A recurring theme since I became pregnant a year and a half ago has been frustration with my wardrobe. Some of the frustration has been because of my changing body. Not only did I have to deal with my deeply ingrained cultural ideal of fat being unattractive after gaining about fifty pounds, but I also did not feel like myself.

When I looked in the mirror, the woman I saw did not seem like me. When I did yoga or went for a walk, my aching joints and difficulty breathing did not feel like me. Besides the physical changes, I was dealing with significant changes in my societal role. I was about to be (and then I was... now I am) a mother. I was also turning 30. I had only gotten married a year earlier, but I was feeling settled and I found that my appearance clashed with my internal identity.

Rather, I found that I had no clue who I was or who I was becoming. Mother. Wife. Expat. These were all new to me.

My short hair, shaved on one side and bleached blonde for the easy addition of blues and greens no longer felt right. My face was too round for that look, and besides, the unborn baby didn't need bleach in its blood.

Short skirts, midriff exposing tank tops, tight jeans, and heels. These all had to be put away as my breasts, thighs, and finally stomach and feet, expanded during my pregnancy. Perhaps some would fit me now, but heels don't go with baby wearing and my breasts are still two sizes bigger than they were.

Plus, even though my body is starting to look similar to how it did 18 months ago, I feel much differently.

All of this has lead to me stressing out about my wardrobe and actually getting anxious and a little depressed about my appearance.

Until recently.

When we moved to Gabrovo I did a huge overhaul of my wardrobe, and I tossed a lot of stuff. Now, two months later, I am extremely happy with my limited wardrobe.

What I have at the moment, fits into a single, small dresser drawer. Okay, it is a bit cramped, so I share a second half of a dresser drawer with Nikola, but it COULD fit in that drawer. It consists of about 4 shirts, one pair of jeans, some leggings and wool undershirts, and a couple of t-shirts. One pair of boots.

That's it.

I think what I love most about this, and find so freeing, is that there is so little choice on what to wear. Is it clean? Then I wear it. I can reach into my drawer and pull out anything. There is no hemming and hawing over matching and what looks good.

It allows me to stop focusing on my appearance and the dissonance in my identity at the moment and work on actually rebuilding my identity by doing the things I love- hiking, spending time with Peatuk, writing... rather than fussing about how I look while not doing them.

 The fact that my dreads are starting to grow up and look like actual dreads instead of painful little messes probably also helps with this semi-identity crisis....

I kept reading stuff about minimalist wardrobes and I kept stopping myself from doing it because I didn't have the necessary basics, and I didn't know what I wanted to look like, so I didn't want to lock myself into one look. Now that I have done it by accident, I can definitely agree with all of the advice. There is something absolutely freeing about owning just a few outfits and nothing more.

It isn't quite an f-you to societal norms of beauty that I thought it would feel like, but it does streamline my getting ready in the morning and doing laundry.

perhaps the best part about all of this is that nothing was intentional. I think I tend to focus so much on intentionality that I often skip doing anything, afraid of what it might mean. Now, it is just done and I realize that it means absolutely nothing. And I am happy. 

Communication, Unlocked

If you have children, then you know how magical it is when you can actually start communicating with them. I didn't, until the other day. It is true that Peatuk has slowly been gaining communication skills this year. Reaching for things, crawling away when he wants to be chased, and the tried and true standby of crying when he has desire. He communicates. Sure. But up until now it has been more of a guessing game on my part than an actual practice in communication.

Then, the other night, this happened. Doesn't look like much. A baby sitting at the table, eating a banana smoothie. The absolutely cool part is that he asked for it, and I understood him!

Peatuk is still pretty far from talking. Blame it on the dual language intake, but I am guessing it is because both Nikola and I tend to be more physical than verbal people. Tough break, kiddo. As a family, we communicate in grunts and giggles. Monster-speak, if you will.

Lately, Peatuk has enjoyed mimicking appliances rather than people. He does a great impression of the vacuum cleaner (while moving the head around the carpet) and he has an adorable rendition of the immersion blender that cracks us up whenever we make smoothies.

The other night, we settled into the table and were eating leftover stew. Peatuk was in a cute, outgoing mood, but he didn't seem interested in eating his carrots and potatoes. Instead, he turned to me and gave me a cute little raspberry with his lips.

It seemed like he was trying to say something, so I helped him out by offering words.

"Mama?" I said.

"Pthhhhvvvvvvvv!" he answered.

"Mama?"

"Pthhhhhvvvvv! Pthhhhvvvv!"

"No, no, mama!"

"Pthhhhvvv! Pthhhvvvvvvvvvvvvv!"

It was then that I realized he was making the immersion blender noise, while sitting in the place where we usually use it. I asked him if he wanted a banana shake.

"Pthvvv!" he answered.

I pulled out the immersion blender and he beamed.

Nikola blended up some banana and yogurt and Peatuk happily let me feed him (a rare treat these days of growing independence). He had actually wanted a banana shake!

The boy has preferences. Desires. And he can express them! And I can understand him!!!

Life achievement: unlocked!

I am ready for great adventures with him.