Late night pondering

I am in bed, next to my sleeping son. I can't sleep, but he is peaceful, smacking his lips the way he does when he is in a deep sleep. His leg is propped up under his hip, as if he might start crawling at any moment. Honestly, now that he has learned how to move on his own it is difficult to get him interested in sleep.

Today he kept working on his army crawl. He can turn around and scoot towards daddy, or the clothes drying rack, or the floor length curtains. Oh, why did I insist on floor length curtains!?! He is still slow enough that I can catch him before he gets into too much trouble, but I have a feeling that won't last much longer. Now I've got baby proofing as my main concern and project.

He just seems so determined to get where he wants to go. He has been frustrated for weeks, exhausting himself on the floor until he cries and falls asleep on my breast. I hope he keeps this desire. This passion. This joy. I think, with a father like Nikola, he has a pretty good shot at staying wide-eyed and filled with love. Oh, that man.

We spent the last two evenings on the beach. I thought Peatuk would love it, but the waves scare him and the sea foam seems unsettling. He is much happier tucked back in the shade, watching the leaves move and being adored by everyone around him. I am the opposite. I have never figured out how to get within ten feet of a beach without getting sand in every unmentionable crack so I find the water safer. Floating weightless, letting the tiny waves toss me about, and every now and then turning in a spiral to catch sight of my family waiting for me on the shore. It is perfect.

My Forever Home

It was around eighth grade when I had the envious realization that some people had forever homes. Some of my friends lived in the same house that they had been brought from the hospital to live in at birth. When I was in high school my father retired and we moved to a small, non-military city in northern Arizona. There, I learned that entire cities stayed in one place. I went to a high school were popularity was more or less a joke, because how popular can you really be when everyone remembers the way you ate paste and cried for your mommy during preschool. Well, everyone except me.

Four years later, when I started making adult decisions of my own, I found myself drawn to my father's nomadic lifestyle. For the most part, it was great. Colorado, Arizona, California, Guam... My young adult life was filled with plenty of adventure and mishaps. However, there was one nagging question that haunted me: What is your permanent address?

First, my schools asked this. Then the US government joined in. It echoed in my anchor-free heart. Where do you belong, girl?

Recently, two friends of mine purchased a house. (Congrats, Holly and Charlie). These aren't like the friends in the bay area that have slowly been acquiring property for the past ten years. These were wanderers like myself. They were seasonal workers, blowing through states and jobs data rate similar to me. Then, suddenly, they have a house and a puppy. Canning and gardening and living in their forever home is now one of their things.

And me? I find myself floating in Varna, with a husband and baby, and yet feeling more rootless than ever.

In my spare time I click through various online home advertisements. Did you know you can buy a piece of property in Bulgaria for about 4000 USD? Or a house that is livable but needs a bit of repairs for 15000 USD? Seriously. Of course, these properties are usually in villages that I have to look up on Google maps and then calculate the distance to... anything.

A few months ago I thought I wanted my forever home, and I thought I k we what that was. It was a small home, preferably a dome, that we built, in a little village. Now, I am not so sure. In a village, where would Peatuk go to school? Would Nikola really drive an hour every day, each way, to run his business in Varna.

So, it looks like we are tied to Varna for the next... 18 years? Or at least some big city.

I love our apartment right now. I love the walks our neighborhood offers. The kindergarten looks okay. I don't have the time or desire to garden. We don't have the money or time for horses or hawks. It's fine. Honestly, I don't know where else I would want to be right now.

But still, there is a little ache, begging me to find my forever home. Someplace that I can rest. A permanent address. A place where I will return when I am 80. And that same ache is telling me that Varna is not it.

What would a world without competition be like?

I often say that I don't like competition. I don't like what it does to other people, and I don't like the way I feel when I am a part of it. I don't enjoy winning when other people feel bad for losing, and I don't like losing, no matter how gracious I may act about it.

However, now that I have a son, my awareness and distaste for competition is growing.

A few months ago I was listening to some speech (state of the union, perhaps?) in which President Obama stated that our schools, and our children, need to be able to compete with China. (I can't find the exact speech, but apparently the theme is common enough in his rhetoric that a simple search showed several other examples).

Immediately, that word dug under my skin and what little faith I had in the American government crumbled. Why do our children need to focus on competing with the students in China? Why shouldn't our students focus on cooperating with those students? Why shouldn't we invest all of that 'better-than-you' energy in understanding each other and building cultural bridges? Why the hell is the president advocating the creation and fear of the other?

Because that is what competition is; fear. Competition is based on the theory of scarcity. There are only enough resources for the stronger, smarter, or quicker person. There can only be one winner. It is hierarchy and scarcity. There are other ways to view the world though. To approach it from a theory of abundance and try to figure out how to share and create more rather than hoarding what there is.

They say that competition, especially academic competition, increases development, creates new ideas, and generally improves the world. Maybe it does. But do you know what else does the same thing without depending on fear and scarcity? Cooperation. Curiosity. An emphasis on creativity.

The world has become trapped in the competition of capitalism, and people actually believe that it is fair and good. Competition doe not inspire any sort of fairness, though. It is a system in which someone always has to lose in order for other people to win.

I feel this often when I am ghostwriting articles. I know that my writing is being used to, ultimately, sell a product. The businesses that have 'helpful' blogs out there don't care about their customers. They care about the sell. The money. They care about surviving, and conquering, and I have become a cog that is helping them compete.

My sweet baby boy had a rough night. He is lying on a pillow in the middle of the living room, completely asleep. He looks so angelic and innocent. I know that when he wakes up he will be all smiles and love. He is filled with joy. He doesn't care that others can do more than him. It doesn't make his world any smaller. Yet.

I hate to think about sending him to school, where he will learn that to survive he needs to compete. I hate to think about those first games he will play, whether he wins or loses, and how they will slowly eat away at that internal flame of joy. I hate that he will eventually have to regard people with suspicion, and realize that competition is not about games but how our messed up world actually works.

I wish I could change the world for him. I just don't know how. 

Hello, flow.

The other day I started my period again. The timing could not have been more perfect. The night before, I was thinking about how glorious it was to not have to deal with my monthly flow. No cramps. No crying in bed while my sweet but flabbergasted husband brings me coffee and painkillers. No rinsing out bloody cups or dealing with paper products that give me the same environmental uneasiness as the diaper debate. It has been great, and I wondered if it might last until I stop breastfeeding, as is common among many on-demand, comfort-suckling mommas.

Of course, the next morning I  woke up with blood-stained sheets. Oh well, 14 months has been a good amount of freedom.

The next section is going to get a bit gory, so you might want to skip it if female functions make you squirm.

Ever since I started my period, I have had short but intense monthly flows. I use the term 'monthly' loosely here. I have never been regular and can have up to 60 days between periods without wondering where it is. In fact, given my irregular periods, I was surprised at how quickly Nikola and I got pregnant. I thought I would have a hell of a time. I also thought the painful cramping I have endured for many years would help me endure the pain of childbirth. Apparently I know nothing about my own body, though.

Now that my flow has returned, it is nothing like it used to be. Before, I bled for a single day and rarely more than an ounce. Now, I am halfway through my fourth day and loosing plenty of blood. Before, it hurt like the dickens. Now, I haven't had any more cramping than the occasional tightening of my uterus that I occasionally get while breastfeeding. I have also lost a kilogram that I have apparently still been holding in water weight since the birth. I feel fantastic. I feel like I am in my body for the first time since I got pregnant. I no longer feel like an absurd balloon, even though I am still 9kg heavier than I was 15 months ago. I can deal with the mess and extended period if it means I am functional and no longer hate being a woman once a month!

The less graphic thoughts...

Nikola and I are pretty much sure that we want to have a second child. Well, we were before I gave birth. Then, I was like, 'Hell no, never again.' Then Peatuk started growing and we fell in love with him and now, honestly, he is just so perfect that I can't imagine adding a second baby to the mix. Is our family complete?

Still, we joked about having another baby over the past few months, and it was funny because I knew it couldn't happen. Now, I am suddenly back in service, and we can, maybe should, consider the question seriously. It suddenly changes everything... The way I consider our finances, the way I think about Peatuk, and the way I feel about sex. Whoever thought that a little bit of blood could change so much?

Gynecologists suggest 3-4 years between babies. Child psychologists suggest either less than two years or more than five. My body suggests adopting. My lack of patience towards government processes suggests I use my own body. Nikola is down for whatever, whenever. Peatuk thinks he is an adult already, and babies tend to freak him out. And me? I have no idea what I want.

5 Months Old and Growing Strong

I think this trip to Sofia just gave Peatuk a cognitive burst. I look at him and he suddenly seems so mature.

Well, mature for a 5 month old.

In the past week, his eyes have changed. They settle on objects for a longer period of time and he is lost in quiet contemplation more often than he was before. He has also expanded his "vocabulary," which is now borderline dangerous because it is so adorable.

Last month, he discovered that he could yell. I am not talking about crying when he is upset, but being loud simply for the amusement of it. He liked to let loose a string of throaty vowels loud enough to wake the neighbors, every night around ten o'clock. Now that he is secure in his ability to be loud, he is trying out various other tones. Occasionally he will utter a breathy coo from his crib, and he loves to make soft conversations when he is on the changing table. A-DOR-A-BULL!!!!

His laughter has solidified into that classically cherub-like baby laughter. It is still strangely not what I expected, but it is wonderful to listen to. He loves to be tickled, chewed on, and lifted in the air, which he rewards with his laughter.

Physically, he seems to have mastered rolling over, although he no longer has any desire to roll onto his back. He is also very frustrated to not be able to walk or crawl yet. A month ago I could leave him on his belly on the floor for half an hour and he would play happily. Now, he spends that time very obviously trying to crawl, spinning in circles on his belly instead, and ultimately getting very frustrated.

He is still very interested in what mommy and daddy eat. We have gotten into the habit of giving him his empty spoon to chew on while we eat. But breastfeeding is getting more difficult as he is very easily distracted. Last night, Nikola was reading us a bedtime story while he had his evening snack and Peatuk spent a good ten minutes taking a single sip and then turning his head to listen to daddy. I am afraid that is only going to be cute once.

He has gotten a lot more social. Now he is not only interested in being held, but also being talked to and played with.

He is SUCH an awesome little monster!

PS: If you were following Peatuk's obsession album, it got rather full, so I started a new one. You can find it here: 

Peatuk From 5 Months

Things We Learned in Sofia (And Unrelated Pictures)

Our little family headed to Sofia this weekend. Nikola was supposed to play baseball, but the games were canceled so we had three days to putz around together. We took the night train on Friday night, and our only mandatory engagement all weekend was to go to the US Embassy on Monday to apply for Peatuk's certificate of birth abroad. It was a very stimulating three days. Here are some things I learned...

1. When traveling across Bulgaria by train, reserving a berth in a sleeping car is a good idea. When you can rent out the whole sleeping car with friends it is a bit more fun. However, when you rent out the sleeping car as a family, it becomes absolute heaven. Peatuk was a champ on the train, especially on the way home. As long as he was cuddled next to me he didn't mind the noise and I think he enjoyed the rocking movement. It was great to have a private place to change and feed him. 
   
2. Three days of "vacation" with a five-month-old feels like a month. I was refreshed and stimulated way more than I usually am by a trip to Sofia, but by the last day I was also exhausted and ready to be home. All three of us spent the majority of yesterday napping, went to bed early last night, and slept in late this morning. I am surprised that Peatuk didn't get fussy until Monday evening. 
   
3. You can't take pictures at the U.S. embassy. I guess I knew that, but I expected to be able to take a picture of Peatuk in front of it. You know, first trip to the United States for him and all. But, no luck. He wasn't overly impressed by the embassy anyway, but he sure liked the consular officer. 
   
4. We had to get a little creative with bathing, and Peatuk loved it. Most mornings and evenings we just tossed him in the sink- a luxury reserved for the summer time, I am sure. On Saturday afternoon he took a soak in the tub with mommy- his first! And he loved it. I definitely want a bathtub in our next home, even though it will be too late for Peatuk to enjoy as a baby. 
   
5. Doing baby-led parenting really works for our family. Peatuk is not used to having a routine. He sleeps when he is tired, eats when he is hungry, and plays when he is playful. Luckily, with both of us at home full time, we can afford to do that. It makes traveling much easier than it could have been. He slept anywhere, including on the bus, train, tram, and metro. He also ate in all of those places. He only got cranky twice. He didn't mind late nights or early mornings. It was great. 
   
6. I was afraid that hanging out with couples who didn't have kids would be weird. Luckily, Peatuk was a complete charmer and it went really well both times we hung out with non-kid-couples. I relearned the term "DINK," and although I am slightly jealous of that freedom, I wouldn't give up our family for it! 
   
7. You really don't have to do anything special to entertain a 5 month old. Part of me wanted to go on the pedal boats, and part of me wanted to go to the zoo. Peatuk was more amused by people watching and riding public transportation. 
   
8. Peatuk is not really sure what to think about other babies. Right now I think he thinks he is the only baby in the world. We ran into this little girl at the photo shop. She is three days younger than he is. She was chatting with him, trying to get him to respond, but he was just like, "What IS that tiny human!?!" (I think he thinks he is just as big as mommy and daddy). 
   
9. Cloth diapering while traveling was a total success. I thought it would be much more difficult than it was, but because we had access to a washing machine it was almost as easy as it is at home. I will say that I am grateful for his rare bowel movements. He waited until we were home to poop! (Three days is about his average, so the trip was timed perfectly). Nikola says that, "Home is where you feel comfortable pooping." I guess Peatuk agrees. 
   
10. I try to be considerate of others when breastfeeding in public, but this weekend I realized how selfish it is to demand that women breastfeed at home. My breasts are not sexual, it is other people who view them as sexual... and they need to get over it. I am done apologizing for my son being hungry and me being an active member of the world instead of shaming the early years of motherhood. That being said... I LOVE my woven wrap. I used a new carry (Front Cross Carry) in which I can just lower Peatuk, attach him to the breast, and he can comfortably and discreetly eat while I am walking around!!! 
    
11. Traveling with Nikola is great, still. I read several blogs in which all of the caretaking falls on the mother when traveling. One guy, while saying how easy camping was, even said, "Just bring your breastfeeding wife, and the food is all packed." Yeah, well, changing diapers, putting a baby to sleep, and feeding him while wandering a huge city and navigating public transport is anything but easy. Having Nikola willing to go halfsies made it all fun instead of an unbearable chore. 
    
12. Babies are not like dogs. Peatuk has freaked out when held by two people. One of which was one of our hosts this weekend. Most people Peatuk is shy or curious about, but sometimes, like most babies, he just screams and cries when a new person holds him. Part of me wonders if he knows something I don't, and I will admit I am more cautious around people he doesn't like. However, I think it is important to teach babies that it is okay to be nervous around people, and even to not like them, but that does not make them bad people. 
    

Overall, what I think we learned this weekend is that travel is not off the table until Peatuk is older. In fact, it is probably much easier while he is still being breastfed and can't walk! Preparing for this trip I searched the internet for, "Fun things to do with a baby while traveling." All I got were lists and advice for traveling with a baby that made it sound like it was really difficult and no fun at all. As if traveling is, "possible, but not advisable." Poppycock. Our son loves it. We love it. Once he gets a passport... we are heading to... wherever.