Dog Training

I always say that I want a dog. They are so cute and friendly and fun. But honestly, I know that they are too much work and dedication for me. Some people work well with dogs. The people need social interaction and daily love and affection and so do the dogs and so they make awesome companions. I KNOW that I would ultimately be one of those sucky pet owners who only wants to give my dog attention when it serves me and doesn't understand why the dog is unhappy and unsatisfied in life. So, although I constantly debate getting an "adorable little puppy!" I would like to think that when the time comes to make the decision I would be responsible enough to say no.

That being said, Nikola and I have a dog in our lives. Nikola's sister was unable to take her dog with her when she moved and the dog stayed on at my in-law's house. They feed her, give her attention, take her out etc, but lately she has gotten very anxious. I think it is a combination of us moving rooms (Our room is now the room she used to sleep in, and she is no longer allowed in there), a lack of exercise over the winter months (she was taken outside for hygienic purposes but didn't get long walks or time to run), a lack of stimulation and positive attention (lately all of the attention she gets is- go away- without play and engagement on a reliable daily basis), and confusion about me being pregnant (she has definitely started acting differently towards me, in a positive way). Due to all of these factors and maybe more she has been barking and growling more often, usually at nothing, occasionally looking like she is frightened, begging at the dining room table when we eat, and running away whenever she gets the chance.

Yesterday we had a wake-up call to just how bad it had gotten. She got out of the house and the door to the sheep pen was open. Before anyone realized what had happened she killed one of the lambs. That was very unsettling, especially because we are about to have a new baby in the house. Although I recognize that killing sheep is a natural predatory reaction, and not an aggressive action, it still made me concerned for her behavior. It made me and my husband realize just how unhappy Zora is, and looking on her daily routine I don't really blame her for being dissatisfied. I know (and knew) to never leave her alone around a baby, but after yesterday I decided that if we are going to live in the same house as her changes have to be made, so that we can trust her and so that she is a happier pet. I wish we would have recognized the need for this sooner and started giving her a routine early during the pregnancy but it is what it is...

So today we started basic training with her. She has already been trained with the basic commands so she knows what they mean. It is now a matter of getting her attention and reminding her what they are, teaching ourselves to use the proper commands in the proper ways (everyone in the house tends to use different words, repetitively, for the same commands and get annoyed when she doesn't obey), and building a relationship with her. Today we worked on, "sit," and, "lay," both of which she is familiar with and was able to complete successfully. Nikola also took her for a brief jog and gave her a MUCH needed bath. So, hopefully we can keep things up, give her the attention, stimulation, and exercise that she needs, and she will return to being a calm, loving, engaged family member again (that doesn't kill sheep).

Unfortunately neither of us have experience training. I am reading material online and kinda training Nikola how to train her (because I know that he will have a bit more time to continue with her when the baby comes than I will, and because I don't want her to jump on my belly when we go outside). If anyone has advice, links to websites, or encouragement I would be happy to hear it. 

Drug addiction, death, and celebrity

For the past week my news feed and facebook has been littered with little snippets regarding the death of an actor, Phillip Seymour Hoffman. I want to start by saying I didn't know the man. I liked his acting, sure, but I don't know what kind of person he was- what he felt and loved and cared about. Here's the thing, neither did about 98% of the people posting about his death. I know, I know, death is a complicated thing and in a society that does not deal well with death celebrity death allows us to practice grieving for when the time comes to grieve an actual loved one. I know, I am a cold and detached person who is not overly impacted by death (even of those I know) and so I should not judge those who are torn apart by the concept of death. But I do. I get upset because so much time, energy, news space, etc. goes into the death of one man when thousands are dying all around the world- being tortured, fighting for basic rights, dying on the streets directly in front of the same people who are mourning this man and no one seems to care. Their names are not published. Their stories are not told. If they even have funerals they are not attended by the masses. I get so sick of celebrity. Society somehow makes people like sports stars, musicians, and actors more important than other individuals simply because they are more exposed. Is Hoffman a better man than the protesters in the Ukraine, fighting against government corruption? Maybe. I don't KNOW any of them. All I know is that we offer so much compassion and sympathy to celebrities when perhaps the entire world is WORTH our acknowledgement.

One of the positive by-products of a celebrity's death due to drug use is the critical re-examination of drug laws and societies general attitudes towards drug use and addiction. Many people have been using the death of this man as a platform to call for greater support and understanding of addicts, and I think that is both sad and yet positive. I am a strong supporter of decriminalizing drug use and trying to support users and addicts rather than punish them so things that help people see addicts as potentially positive contributors to society instead of a plague of dirty, nameless, faceless, homeless, less-thans are good. People liked and respected this actor and so seeing him die due to drug addiction gives the compassion-team more leverage. Kudos. (In a twisted way). But I think that at times addiction-advocates go too far. Currently the internet is filled with pity articles saying that people do not understand how terrible addiction is, that it is not selfish nor the fault of the addict, and even blaming NA and sponsors for not properly caring for their charges. Basically, people tend to go over the edge and tip the scale. Addiction is a disease... therefore an addict cannot be blamed for their actions.

I call bullshit.

Yes, addiction is a disease. There are those of us who will never understand the mental and physical torture that an addict suffers. However, even when you have a disease you are still ultimately responsible for the choices you make regarding that disease. Addicts CAN be selfish. They CAN make selfish decisions. Why is that important? Because if you fail to make that distinction of responsibility then you fail to recognize the hard work involved in the thousands of addicts who choose to get clean and stay sober. You minimize their struggle. "Oh, if you CAN get clean and do not tragically die of an overdose then you weren't a REAL addict... not like the addicts who CAN'T gain control." Yes, addiction is a disease. That does not mean that we need to make it a free pass to selfishness. It does not mean that we need to blame society and the individuals surrounding (and trying to support) an addict for their failures. Yes, society could be more supportive. Let's fight to make those changes. But at the same time let us be realistic about addiction. Let us recognize those currently in the struggle. Let us help others. And, let us recognize that there are some people who do not want help, who are ultimately, yes, selfish. 

I feel...

The last few weeks of pregnancy just creep by. Although some of it is nerves- anxiety and excitement about meeting the little person who has been growing inside of me- a lot of it is just plain physical.

When I close my eyes I feel huge. I feel like I am floating and melting away. I feel like I take up more space in the universe. It isn't the body I am feeling. It is the relaxation of my mind, the surrender, the utter exhaustion that keeps me from being the tight little ball of cosmic energy I used to be.

When I stand I feel like a spider. I walk and my joints bend in funny ways, out and around and down. It is like there is no meat around them. They are just bones and ligaments- stretched and slippery and crunchy.

I feel guilty. Listless. Restless. Desiring.

I lay on my left side, like the doctor tells me too, and my hip feels old... rolling, those gentle, subtle shifts that bring comfort during the night have become impossible. I get jealous when my husband casually lifts his body from the bed and pulls the blanket around him as he resettles. Do you know how many muscle groups are involved in that three second movement? Do you realize how important your abs are?

I feel like I have to pee... again...

I feel anxious. I ate too much vitamin e. The shea butter I use had vitamin e extract in it. Vitamin e seems to be everywhere these days.

My fingers feel like sausages. Wet and fat and unable to crack. I am not used to being so wet. I tend to be a dry person, like the summer sun. These days I sweat and I stink and we wont discuss where the other liquid has started dripping from.

My hips feel flat and wide and have an ongoing desire to rock. Forward, backward, side to side... I imagine I look like a child doing a pee-pee dance, but it is one of the few things that feel good.

My husband strokes my hair, kisses my brow... tells me it is almost over... and I feel guilty for wanting it to be over. Because I don't. I love being pregnant... it just got so very hard this week...

10 days and counting...